so tired of having crappy friends.

at least I have my husband, who is an awesome friend!

Besides him, there are probably 2-3 other people I consider "good" friends. And that might even be pushing it. I know I'm not always the greatest friend, but people are so ingenuine and at the end of the day, really don't care. I may not be close with a lot of people, but those I consider close, I am a fierce friend. It's not usually reciprocated, though. There are 2 examples that stick out in my mind that are wonderful friends...and one of them lives in Hawaii...so I can't even see her often like I'd like.

Also, finding that true friendships abide in Christ....unfortunately, I have been coming to find that my non-Christian friends just don't know how to love. (Not surprised)

Oh well. This is the complaint of most people out there. Real love is not conditional, so I can't fall into that.

busy

Life has gotten back to the jumble that it was last year.

I feel weird when I talk about being "busy" when a lot of that involves extra curricular activities. However, I've come to find as my schedule has packed up that I am very much so an introvert. "Introvert" does NOT mean not-outgoing or friendly, or even that you don't like being around people. It really has to do with energy--do I feel drained or recharged after seeing/being around people? The answer for me is "drained" and so I need my moments at home, alone (or with the husb) to feel completely at ease and relaxed. I have found that I enjoy just being around other people, not constantly having to be engaged in a conversation or something. I think my favorite times and my most comfortable friends to be around are the ones that I don't have to entertain...maybe they are playing a video game, sitting on the couch next to me as I knit. These are the times I love and appreciate the most, and feel the best at. These situations do not drain me.
I believe I have always been this way, reflecting back. It's just that before I had a husband and the responsibilities of cleaning and cooking each meal (which I am blessed to get to do...marriage is about sacrifice and helping, and so I take joy in these things), on top of working full-time+ I have few hours to actually sit and reflect on the day, to think and just breathe. I definitely didn't realize this when I was living at my parent's house in early grad school, my mom made dinner every night, etc. Oh, those days. A year and nine months, how before that felt so long ago. Well, during that season of my life I had so much more "free time" (compared to now) that I was always eager to meet up with other people. Now, I don't feel like I have more time at home beyond the 10 minutes I spend watching part of an episode of some comforting show (Office reruns!) as I lay in bed before sleep.

Anyway, back to what I was going to say. I have every moment planned from last week until next Tuesday night. No joke. There are even things I have to get done that I have no idea how that will happen, unless I do not sleep...and these days, they don't tell you that when you're 25 your stamina and ability to go to bed past midnight goes down tremendously. When I graduated high school I would sleep for like 2 hours for days in a row in the summer. Hang out late with friends, sleep at like 5am and then get up for a full day of work.
Grad school, I cut back because I enjoyed sleep, not because I *had* to. And now, well, I enjoy it AND I have to, or else I am dysfunctional entirely, for the rest of the day.
So yeah, this is going to be a challenge.

I feel like an important part that is missing, however, is my God-time. When days fly by I neglect my Bible reading and prayer times. When I do have a moment to sit down, I want to rest. And the correct answer is that will find rest in Him, but I want to shut my brain OFF. This is sinful of me...this life is not called to be easy, and there will never be full peace while here. The closest I can get is by drawing near to Christ. Ultimately, it will help me keep priorities straight and my planner cut down. There are not only advantages to spending time with God on a daily basis, but there are severe disadvantages to not! It makes attitudes worse, pride and selfishness go up. And that's NOT what I want.

Alright, while I sit here waiting for a stupid video to transfer to a usb drive, I can't do anything on the computer that I need to work with. I suppose I should try and busy myself with other productive things, regardless! Adios.

Since August of 2008, I've had car payments on my Honda Civic. Well, I paid a bill today and noticed I only have 18 more payments to make. Yeah, that's a lot when you think about it...only 1.5 more years haha. But still, 18 is way better than 72...

It's going to be beautiful to have an extra $280 every month. I wonder if my insurance will go down after it's paid off, as well! :-) Either way, God has blessed my family with enough money to take care of our needs.

We do have some credit card debt we are chipping away at, so to be able to add nearly $300 to each month will expedite our ability to pay them off by double!!!

This is a strange post. I just felt excited about it.

It's Friday after a long week of being sick...I have decided there is no shame in listening to the Selena Gomez and the Scene  pandora radio station while I data crunch all day at my desk.

Pride is so ugly.

It's interesting when you finally find the flaws. There are some people that just seem so perfect...and it makes you feel bad about yourself. Give it some time and you'll see that none of us is perfect. We each have something valuable to offer, and it's better when they are different things, when we are unique...we're all pieces of the puzzle.

Not that I really want anyone to be "less" but honestly sometimes, I do. Doesn't a perfect person feel like a threat? Make you feel insecure? It's all lies from the evil one, but even knowing that it makes you feel a little worse. Well, that's how I certainly feel. I sinfully breathe a sigh of relief when I see someone else's flaws. How gross of me. But to twist it into something redeeming it just goes to show we all need Christ and His grace. My flaws, your flaws. We're all dirty. He loves, He cleans, He saves.

I am about to be one of those people who owns a witty t-shirt.

Thanks, woot.

All the time

In regards to last night's confusion, I understand. It all points to Him. It all points to what I need to do. Opportunity to share the Gospel, the Good News. To be faithful to Him.

No matter if ears are closed. Praying they break free, that the heart opens and the chains fall.

He is good, all the time.

finding the value in showering, getting dressed up well, and going out to do work. it's motivating, despite how tired, exhausted you are. emotionally, mentally, physically. gotta press on.

3am

what in the world is happening right now?

got an extension from Friday morning to Saturday night...so that gives me practically 2 days more to work on the paper! goodness, grace.

I need to get out of this funk, for real. Today is just one of those days, and I'm over it.

Went to bed sick, slept like garbage, woke up even sicker. Running myself down right before break.

Slow it down.

This random posting to no one but myself is holding my sanity in.

give thanks

right at this moment, thankful for:
-God's grace
-productivity, no matter how small
-empty blog posts to waste time on writing
-the sunshine on my back, warming my entire body
-water
-coffee
-pandora radio
-naproxin
-career development
-eventual sleep
-super-cute and supportive husband (not to mention his ridiculously long back-rubs. I'm serious...if we're watching TV or something, it can go on for an hour + !!! don't be too jealous)
-the smell of donuts in the air (which is strange because there are no donuts around. I am at Panera, though, so it could be some other kind of bread or pastry. I DID smell this same smell the other day at my apartment for no reason...Sal was heating up chicken in the toaster oven at the time so that definitely isn't it, lol!)

Okay, back to work.

God, grant me focus and productivity today, please.

Oh, the games we play.

Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills
Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you
if you know what I mean

Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Well you might be a bit confused
And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books
If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

too much of this, too little of that

Okay, last post before I work for the next 2.5 hours. I can do it.

I was thinking about some of my up-coming goals. I'm not sure I believe "new year's resolutions" are entirely effective. I think planning to change something overnight (literally) for the YEAR is far-fetched. I would like to start the new year with some fresh, short term goals to get me started on a nice track.

So here is one goal I'd like to share so far: Watch less TV.

Here's the scoop, when "bored", I often find random things to stream off of Netflix. Sure, some of the shows are entertaining and not inherently bad. But there are much better ways to fill my time. For most shows, I actually don't just sit and watch them. I use them as an ear-filler while I complete other tasks, sometimes being distracted by them. But there are much better things to fill my head with.

So to combat this habit, I have decided I will not completely just cut out TV, but for the month of January I will watch the shows that are "worthwhile" to me by keeping the ones I watch with my husband (or friends) on the line-up--fellowship opportunity (?? am I stretching it? haha), and allow myself ONE show on my own. Right now that only consists of the Office (like I mentioned, wraps up this year so that will ultimately cut out one show eventually), Parks and Recreation, and the Walking Dead with husband. We are also watching Code Geass with some friends. There are two other shows I am into right now, and that is Parenthood which I will likely keep on my radar as the one show I watch on my own, and a newly started (as in, I just started watching it, it only has 24-20m eps) anime called "Clannad: After Story" because it is rated one of the top anime story-lines in all of anime.

Now, that still is a lot of TV, right? Yeah, it kind of is. I am hoping to have Clannad finished before the New Year, though (sneak it in before I enforce the rules, strictly), Code Geass only has so many episodes before we finish it as well, and the Walking Dead isn't back on until February. ...so that makes it ~1.5-2 hours a week of TV. When I put it that way, it makes me feel better haha.
Well, if you only knew how many times I have seen Office re-runs, or watched random episodes of random shows. Or the shows that I actually keep up with that I don't even enjoy...New Girl, the Mindy Project. Or shows I enjoy but can live without (although of course I can live without all of them) like Modern Family, Secret Life (YES, I admit it. It's probably the worst show on TV).

I am hoping this fight for self-control will go well. I think I can do it. If I ask God for His power, I know I can. I have a strong belief that after a month of fasting in this way, I will be able to keep this up and maybe even find the shows I desire right now to lose their appeal. That sounds sad to me right now, but if He changes my heart, I will not have any grievances and ultimately it is absolutely no loss to me.

Like a cigarette smoker, giving up a bad habit often needs to be replaced with a similar, yet better habit. (ie chewing on a straw, tending to the oral fixation).

Therefore, since I like to have a show on while I do dishes or knit...the new plan will be listening to sermons or the audio Bible instead. It's honestly silly and stupid this isn't what I do anyway. Instead of streaming an episode of a show before bed, I will read one of the many books on my shelf that have gone untouched over the years.
So I look forward to how this will positively impact my mind, my productivity in general, and my life!

* * *

Speaking of self-control...
Sal and I challenged one another to "no-pop-November" (NPN). It was entirely necessary. I would have to say every week I would challenge myself, fight myself, to stop drinking pop if only for a few days. But I'd probably go a stretch of about 2 days before I drank some of that delicious, syrupy poison (lol). I was tempted on a few occasions, primarily when there were 2L sitting out at social gatherings and it was free! But I resisted, despite really wanting to drink some.

As for NPN? I'd say it was 100% successful. This is not because we did not drink pop at all during the month, (I had pop twice, with these two exceptions already mapped out: once at Thanksgiving, just a small glass of Dr Pepper, and again after an entire day of vomiting and migraines a can of cherry Pepsi---both at the end of the month), rather quite a few things positive things have happened: I don't feel as tired; my skin has cleared up immensely; I don't feel as...bleh...full-like in the gross way pop fills you up, sluggish; I have only had ONE migraine in like 6 weeks (and I know it is attributed to hormones); I don't have a desire to drink pop at all anymore... I'd say all of the above are a result of two things: less pop, and the most important physical "happening" from not drinking pop: drinking a lot of water!!!

I always knew I didn't drink that much water, but I never fully saw how much it affected me. I actually have had 2 other drinks of pop since then...once was a bottle of vanilla coke that I didn't even enjoy and a glass bottle of IBC that I drank about half of. I don't desire pop anymore because of how it makes me feel, knowing how good I can feel without it. I think about the 70 GRAMS of sugar in a small bottle of it and it makes me feel sick. Just something about it makes me turn away from it. I prayed to God to help me get through the month without desiring it, and He has changed my affections toward it. I actually felt somewhat enslaved to it, because I CRAVED it, and felt like I needed it. Like I would go out to the store just to buy a pop because it felt like it "hit the spot" with some meals. Isn't that horrible? I feel like I got over some weird addiction. I don't think I was addicted to its caffeine; rather, just the sugar and the habit.

These days I drink some coffee (no sugar or milk added--never thought I would do this! haha), milk, water. I don't even like juice, honestly. I would rather eat a piece a fruit (which is better for you, even if the juice is 100%). But funny how I never gave so much credit to WATER. We all know we need it to live. God made it for us on the second day...what a simple, beautiful creation. It is so clear (no pun intended) that water would offer an abundance of goodness. It's a simple contribution that we definitely take for granted and under-appreciate.


I am just liking the way I am feeling...more energy, more confidence (acne is pretty much GONE entirely), and happier with my decision and control. Praise God for His Spirit who empowers me and answers my prayers! Nothing is too small for Him, and it's showing me how He listens to all our requests and I love the large impact something so small has on my life.

NPN inspires me not only for what it was set out to do, but the indirect implications of it. I am so joyful to the Lord and grateful for this from Him. It increases my trust in Him and His promises, makes me laugh at myself for the little things in my life that can make such a difference, makes me understand how little things in our life can control us--I was sort of mastered by it, in a way!--and that I need to rely on One and I will be sustained and straightened out, etc etc etc.

* * *

It seems silly to say, these two topics are not inherently bad (pop and TV are not sins!!!), but when we let them take control over a part of our life, it is definitely sin! It's easy to hide because they are just normal things in society. But let's face what is honest here, I was mastered by pop: the craving, the feel like I needed it, the fact that I couldn't go 2 days without giving in. Right now, I don't even know what to consider this TV thing. The more I think about it, I am realizing the sin is not the shows but their distraction. What are your distractions? Instead of being fed the Word, I feel like I need to have this mindless entertainment going on in the background. If there is something in my life that I challenge by saying, "I will do without" but find myself continuing to do, that is probably something that is chaining me down. Instead of TV shows, I can fill the air with productivity...and is getting addicted to His Word or learning about Him a bad thing? I think He's the one thing I WANT to be addicted to. I want to crave my Lord!!! To feel that I can't go a day without Him. Because c'mon, I CAN'T, He is the life inside of me...

My affections toward Him will only increase, sharpening me, and refining what my mind and heart desire.


Psalm 37:3-6

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

need this break

I hear the whispers of my co-workers' complaining.

I grow weary from the mounds of reading and writing and THINKING I have to do. After 21 years of being a student, I am ready for my time to be done for a bit.

At the least, I look forward to Dec 22nd...I get 10 days off in a row. :)

Until then, I feel like my life will need plenty of:
-encouragement
-long hugs from my ever-so-wonderful and cozy husband
-coffee
-water
-whole foods
-back massages
-purry-snuggling with my kitty
-laughs and laughs


...and with that...tall coffee, please. haha! hopefully the boost I need at this 2pm lull.

some days you just need an extra hour...or twenty...