I am about to be one of those people who owns a witty t-shirt.

Thanks, woot.

All the time

In regards to last night's confusion, I understand. It all points to Him. It all points to what I need to do. Opportunity to share the Gospel, the Good News. To be faithful to Him.

No matter if ears are closed. Praying they break free, that the heart opens and the chains fall.

He is good, all the time.

finding the value in showering, getting dressed up well, and going out to do work. it's motivating, despite how tired, exhausted you are. emotionally, mentally, physically. gotta press on.

3am

what in the world is happening right now?

got an extension from Friday morning to Saturday night...so that gives me practically 2 days more to work on the paper! goodness, grace.

I need to get out of this funk, for real. Today is just one of those days, and I'm over it.

Went to bed sick, slept like garbage, woke up even sicker. Running myself down right before break.

Slow it down.

This random posting to no one but myself is holding my sanity in.

give thanks

right at this moment, thankful for:
-God's grace
-productivity, no matter how small
-empty blog posts to waste time on writing
-the sunshine on my back, warming my entire body
-water
-coffee
-pandora radio
-naproxin
-career development
-eventual sleep
-super-cute and supportive husband (not to mention his ridiculously long back-rubs. I'm serious...if we're watching TV or something, it can go on for an hour + !!! don't be too jealous)
-the smell of donuts in the air (which is strange because there are no donuts around. I am at Panera, though, so it could be some other kind of bread or pastry. I DID smell this same smell the other day at my apartment for no reason...Sal was heating up chicken in the toaster oven at the time so that definitely isn't it, lol!)

Okay, back to work.

God, grant me focus and productivity today, please.

Oh, the games we play.

Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills
Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you
if you know what I mean

Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Well you might be a bit confused
And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books
If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

too much of this, too little of that

Okay, last post before I work for the next 2.5 hours. I can do it.

I was thinking about some of my up-coming goals. I'm not sure I believe "new year's resolutions" are entirely effective. I think planning to change something overnight (literally) for the YEAR is far-fetched. I would like to start the new year with some fresh, short term goals to get me started on a nice track.

So here is one goal I'd like to share so far: Watch less TV.

Here's the scoop, when "bored", I often find random things to stream off of Netflix. Sure, some of the shows are entertaining and not inherently bad. But there are much better ways to fill my time. For most shows, I actually don't just sit and watch them. I use them as an ear-filler while I complete other tasks, sometimes being distracted by them. But there are much better things to fill my head with.

So to combat this habit, I have decided I will not completely just cut out TV, but for the month of January I will watch the shows that are "worthwhile" to me by keeping the ones I watch with my husband (or friends) on the line-up--fellowship opportunity (?? am I stretching it? haha), and allow myself ONE show on my own. Right now that only consists of the Office (like I mentioned, wraps up this year so that will ultimately cut out one show eventually), Parks and Recreation, and the Walking Dead with husband. We are also watching Code Geass with some friends. There are two other shows I am into right now, and that is Parenthood which I will likely keep on my radar as the one show I watch on my own, and a newly started (as in, I just started watching it, it only has 24-20m eps) anime called "Clannad: After Story" because it is rated one of the top anime story-lines in all of anime.

Now, that still is a lot of TV, right? Yeah, it kind of is. I am hoping to have Clannad finished before the New Year, though (sneak it in before I enforce the rules, strictly), Code Geass only has so many episodes before we finish it as well, and the Walking Dead isn't back on until February. ...so that makes it ~1.5-2 hours a week of TV. When I put it that way, it makes me feel better haha.
Well, if you only knew how many times I have seen Office re-runs, or watched random episodes of random shows. Or the shows that I actually keep up with that I don't even enjoy...New Girl, the Mindy Project. Or shows I enjoy but can live without (although of course I can live without all of them) like Modern Family, Secret Life (YES, I admit it. It's probably the worst show on TV).

I am hoping this fight for self-control will go well. I think I can do it. If I ask God for His power, I know I can. I have a strong belief that after a month of fasting in this way, I will be able to keep this up and maybe even find the shows I desire right now to lose their appeal. That sounds sad to me right now, but if He changes my heart, I will not have any grievances and ultimately it is absolutely no loss to me.

Like a cigarette smoker, giving up a bad habit often needs to be replaced with a similar, yet better habit. (ie chewing on a straw, tending to the oral fixation).

Therefore, since I like to have a show on while I do dishes or knit...the new plan will be listening to sermons or the audio Bible instead. It's honestly silly and stupid this isn't what I do anyway. Instead of streaming an episode of a show before bed, I will read one of the many books on my shelf that have gone untouched over the years.
So I look forward to how this will positively impact my mind, my productivity in general, and my life!

* * *

Speaking of self-control...
Sal and I challenged one another to "no-pop-November" (NPN). It was entirely necessary. I would have to say every week I would challenge myself, fight myself, to stop drinking pop if only for a few days. But I'd probably go a stretch of about 2 days before I drank some of that delicious, syrupy poison (lol). I was tempted on a few occasions, primarily when there were 2L sitting out at social gatherings and it was free! But I resisted, despite really wanting to drink some.

As for NPN? I'd say it was 100% successful. This is not because we did not drink pop at all during the month, (I had pop twice, with these two exceptions already mapped out: once at Thanksgiving, just a small glass of Dr Pepper, and again after an entire day of vomiting and migraines a can of cherry Pepsi---both at the end of the month), rather quite a few things positive things have happened: I don't feel as tired; my skin has cleared up immensely; I don't feel as...bleh...full-like in the gross way pop fills you up, sluggish; I have only had ONE migraine in like 6 weeks (and I know it is attributed to hormones); I don't have a desire to drink pop at all anymore... I'd say all of the above are a result of two things: less pop, and the most important physical "happening" from not drinking pop: drinking a lot of water!!!

I always knew I didn't drink that much water, but I never fully saw how much it affected me. I actually have had 2 other drinks of pop since then...once was a bottle of vanilla coke that I didn't even enjoy and a glass bottle of IBC that I drank about half of. I don't desire pop anymore because of how it makes me feel, knowing how good I can feel without it. I think about the 70 GRAMS of sugar in a small bottle of it and it makes me feel sick. Just something about it makes me turn away from it. I prayed to God to help me get through the month without desiring it, and He has changed my affections toward it. I actually felt somewhat enslaved to it, because I CRAVED it, and felt like I needed it. Like I would go out to the store just to buy a pop because it felt like it "hit the spot" with some meals. Isn't that horrible? I feel like I got over some weird addiction. I don't think I was addicted to its caffeine; rather, just the sugar and the habit.

These days I drink some coffee (no sugar or milk added--never thought I would do this! haha), milk, water. I don't even like juice, honestly. I would rather eat a piece a fruit (which is better for you, even if the juice is 100%). But funny how I never gave so much credit to WATER. We all know we need it to live. God made it for us on the second day...what a simple, beautiful creation. It is so clear (no pun intended) that water would offer an abundance of goodness. It's a simple contribution that we definitely take for granted and under-appreciate.


I am just liking the way I am feeling...more energy, more confidence (acne is pretty much GONE entirely), and happier with my decision and control. Praise God for His Spirit who empowers me and answers my prayers! Nothing is too small for Him, and it's showing me how He listens to all our requests and I love the large impact something so small has on my life.

NPN inspires me not only for what it was set out to do, but the indirect implications of it. I am so joyful to the Lord and grateful for this from Him. It increases my trust in Him and His promises, makes me laugh at myself for the little things in my life that can make such a difference, makes me understand how little things in our life can control us--I was sort of mastered by it, in a way!--and that I need to rely on One and I will be sustained and straightened out, etc etc etc.

* * *

It seems silly to say, these two topics are not inherently bad (pop and TV are not sins!!!), but when we let them take control over a part of our life, it is definitely sin! It's easy to hide because they are just normal things in society. But let's face what is honest here, I was mastered by pop: the craving, the feel like I needed it, the fact that I couldn't go 2 days without giving in. Right now, I don't even know what to consider this TV thing. The more I think about it, I am realizing the sin is not the shows but their distraction. What are your distractions? Instead of being fed the Word, I feel like I need to have this mindless entertainment going on in the background. If there is something in my life that I challenge by saying, "I will do without" but find myself continuing to do, that is probably something that is chaining me down. Instead of TV shows, I can fill the air with productivity...and is getting addicted to His Word or learning about Him a bad thing? I think He's the one thing I WANT to be addicted to. I want to crave my Lord!!! To feel that I can't go a day without Him. Because c'mon, I CAN'T, He is the life inside of me...

My affections toward Him will only increase, sharpening me, and refining what my mind and heart desire.


Psalm 37:3-6

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

need this break

I hear the whispers of my co-workers' complaining.

I grow weary from the mounds of reading and writing and THINKING I have to do. After 21 years of being a student, I am ready for my time to be done for a bit.

At the least, I look forward to Dec 22nd...I get 10 days off in a row. :)

Until then, I feel like my life will need plenty of:
-encouragement
-long hugs from my ever-so-wonderful and cozy husband
-coffee
-water
-whole foods
-back massages
-purry-snuggling with my kitty
-laughs and laughs


...and with that...tall coffee, please. haha! hopefully the boost I need at this 2pm lull.

some days you just need an extra hour...or twenty...

sharp tongue

Why is it so difficult to hold your tongue sometimes?
I say this mainly because there is something on my mind that I feel strongly about that I really want to express. My opinion on this matter honestly doesn't really matter (it's not really something that I care about at all--so please tell me why I feel strongly about it?? does that even make sense?, haha) and would probably just start an argument. What is it in me that wants to say this, though? I am convincing myself over and over NOT to just say it. I just gotta walk away for a minute and forget about it. I guess it's pride, that I feel my opinion is the best opinion and the world needs to know it, lol.

Okay, just needed to get that out so I can see how sinful I am and be thankful the Holy Spirit can grant me self-awareness and self-control!!!!

heavy

We say we believe that Jesus is God; we say we believe that He is alive. Why do we ACT like He isn't? He undeservedly died so we could undeservedly have eternity with God in heaven. Why do we keep on picking and choosing what we feel like and leave other parts out? Why do we opt for what we find comfortable (which often lacks truth!)? If we were to see Jesus today, would we seriously try to use those as excuses for our behavior?!
Why do we keep on sinning and ignoring what is written on our hearts?
Not one of us can claim perfection as our own, and self defeat from lack thereof is similarly unproductive. Still, I harbor a deep pain over our choices, as a whole. Ignorance is not an excuse, and thereby inexcusable.  This is not only hurting ourselves, but everyone around us as well. We need to step up to what we're called to do. Jesus IS God and Jesus IS alive, and our lives should reflect that.

The weight of the cross is nothing to be taken lightly.
I'm in deep sorrow and regret over our sin and I'm humbled in gratitude for the free gift Christ has given us! How great He is! There is hope in Him!

Praying for salvation and further, conviction.

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." - 1 John 5 1:-5



"The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin."

Romans 5:20-6:7

mrow.

I love the loyalty of my cat.

Whenever I come home, he follows me around until I finally sit down somewhere (anywhere) and he finds a way to come sit right next to me and purr, regardless if I pet him or not. He chats with me when I talk to him (although he also loves starting the conversation) and loves following our daily habits, particularly snuggling up at bed time.

What a wonderful pet. I love him :)

It's not You; it's me.

I'm feeling weird lately. It's a worn down, yet persevering feeling. Praise Him because without the Holy Spirit I don't think I could get anything accomplished or stay on the right track. It's weird how evil tries all these ways to sneak under my skin. I see it, though. The conviction God sets on my heart allows me to see and understand temptation even when it is happening. It provides clear opportunity (and causes me) to turn the other way.  But sometimes, it's hard to run. Sometimes I walk, slowly. It sucks when you understand that you're being tempted. It's such a strange thing. There is no way to fully describe it, but I don't like it. I'm thankful, though, for the Spirit's guidance and strength to overcome.

I'm over this. Today I will survive in victory over these temptations and subsequent sins and subsequent death, because He overwhelms all blemishes with strength and grace.